I have to admit to being surprised at how well I’ve coped with going back to work. Of course, that was okay while I was only working shift (effectively a few days a week) but going back to days this week was a little difficult. This week, I seem to have lost my shit. Well, today really. I went to work – well I didn’t want to go to work (but when do I ever?) – and didn’t get there.
I freaked out while waiting for the bus.
I’d caught the train as far as Hoddle St and was waiting for the bus that takes me the rest of the way to work and I just got so sad about my dad that when the bus appeared, I got up and walked away from the stop and got back on the train and went home again. I called in sick. And then felt guilty about it. But I was in no condition to go to work. I do not know what came over me, I was just so, so sad about my father. And I was so relieved to get home again.
Late in the afternoon I went to the doctor, and she listened.
I had trouble getting myself out the door and driving was an effort. She asked if I felt that what I was feeling was abnormal – no, I don’t. I’m just surprised it’s hit me a month after his death like this. She told me to go home and take a long weekend, and offered me more sleeping tablets (I did take a few before the funeral, but I think I’ve been pretty good about it since then) and valium if I felt I needed it. Both of which I refused, but despite thinking that taking another day off work was a bit self-indulgent, I have decided to listen to her about that. But she says I should go out and do something today. The only problem with that is it really conflicts with my protestant work ethic. I’m off sick. I should be sitting at home being sick. And going out (or going shopping which is what I want to do) seems to be a little immoral. However, I am under orders. The reason being, she said, I’m at risk of becoming a shut-in because I had two freak-outs yesterday.
So what to do? Does anyone feel as I do? That shopping is inappropriate?
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