…so have decided it’s high time for a catchup post.
I have to admit that the main reason I haven’t been posting very much is that life has been… ordinary since my last post. I have a friend in Perth whose habit is to shut down and stop communicating when things are crappy for her (which seems to be more and more common, and I often have to reach out to make sure she’s okay). Anyway, I seem to be doing the same with my LJ. I think I have nothing to say, but the reality of it is that I (feel I) have nothing happy to say.
Firstly, we have given up trying to have a baby. The pathology on the embryo that I lost in December came back really bad. Heartbreakingly. Not one, but two genetic abnormalities and the report's comment basically said it was due to maternal age. I was 40 at the time. The obstetrician told me that we could keep on trying, as the eventually one egg would be good, but she'd known couples to have 6-10 failed pregnancies like mine before finally having a healthy baby. The other choice was IVF, where they could choose a healthy embryo. Since the emotional and physical toll of both of those options are completely unappealing to me/us, and we'd really only been trying to have a baby because I was out of time, we decided to give it up and just focus on enjoying our lives as they are and stop torturing ourselves trying to have a baby (that we may not even like or enjoy having).
Life's a crapshoot and in this case I left it too late and we lost. *shrug* I was never that keen on parenthood anyway - the only time I desperately want it is when someone near to me has a little baby, and I'm well aware that those impulses are hardcoded into our makeup. :/ There is a lot less hoping and then disappointment, but I do feel a little sad every time I think about it and revisit the decision often. I guess, like a lot of missed moments in life, I'll always wonder what if...
To be honest though, the child I want is my bridesmaid Ali’s, I’m pretty sure that a child that Darren and I had would not be as clever, attractive or precocious. It would probably be ugly (neither of us are model material) and cranky (Darren has the worst temper, and I can be very reactive and stubborn), though I have no doubt it would be smart. So I’m just going to content myself with getting cuddles when I visit (while trying to avoid the head lice she proudly announced she may have) and just watching her grow. And then being glad that I’m not going to have to parent her through puberty, which is sure to be a nightmare.
Following on from this, I got a phone call a couple of weeks ago from a much-loved friend who got married a couple of months after I did. She’s ringing to tell me she’s pregnant. I knew from the moment I got the call, because we are mostly net friends and hardly ever speak on the phone, or we meet up in person. Actually, a lot of my friendships are like that these days. Anyway, her accidental pregnancy, while wonderful, is – if I’m completely honest – a bit of a blow. I know she won’t have the same problems as me as she’s ten years younger, and they’ll have a happy, healthy baby. So I’m happy for her, but it stings a little as well. I don’t think I’d be human if it didn’t.
So that’s been one of the things that I need to speak about. I went back on the Pill in March, when I turned 41. It did make things easier though as we had a holiday planned an no-one wants to greet Aunt Flo on holiday! (holiday post to follow)
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